In honour of the this annual love fest, I thought I would share the story of how Billasaurus Rex stole my heart- how we first met.
|It's Ok- he didnt actually steal my heart|
'Tis a long sprawling tale, of true love overcoming all obstacles. Not really.
The scene: It's 2001.
-Big Brother in all its scandalous glory premieres on Australian TV.
- John Howard is PM
- Moulin Rouge is released
- and finally, and most importantly: Britney and Justin (no last name needed people) rock up to the VMAS in these little treasures
Whilst you contemplate how cool I was (and continue to be, thankyou very much) I feel I must paint the whole picture. I was a Scout (- 6,000,000,000 cool points), had not yet discovered eyebrow tweezing despite my monobrow sprouting out of my head and practically screaming at me to address it, I had prominent buck teeth, and I literally had not yet packed away my doll house and Barbie collection.
My best friend however had developed a little more rapidly. She was the same age as I, but was blonde and curvy in all the places I did not yet know I needed to be. She lived next door to our local skate park, and the skater boys had given her the nickname TNA (Tits N Ass.) She wore that name like a tarty badge.
I was SO JEALOUS. When would the skater boys objectify me, dammit?!
Whilst my friend went on dates every weekend to drink Southern Comfort stolen from her dads liquor cabinet with boys, I stayed at home and drew pictures of unicorns.
Whilst my friend bleached her hair and was so sophisticated she "got layers" in her hair, I brushed over my thick unruly curls, not brushing it properly and developing thick dreadlocks underneath.
|Seriously, I was surely only a week away from this|
One weekend my friend ran up to me excitedly and said she had showed some friend of her latest boyfriend's my picture- and he thought I was cute!
My brain exploded. Whaa???? Someone thought I was cute?! A BOY thought I was cute?
Nevertheless, I wasnt going to argue.
"He wants to go on a date with you! We'll make it a double date!"
I had a date! I had a date? A date!
And then the terror creeped in. I had a date.
In preparation, my girlfriend stayed over the night before. She put my hair in a million rags so it would look full and sexy and kinda like it had been permed.
We watched a movie to help get me in a fun light hearted mood-
If it was meant to prevent me from sleeping and keep me up all night, it was working.
During the movie, whilst pinning my rags torturously tight to my head, my friend slips in the fact that this boy wasnt just any boy- he was an OLDER boy. He was 17!
I lied awake all night, half terrorised from IT, and half freaking the fuck out over this date. An OLDER BOY?
He would be sophisticated! (Heh. If only I knew then what I know now about 17yo boys.) He would be a Year 10! He would be...the perfect bragging story to take back to my other school friends on Monday! (If I every survived this date)
We were seeing Evolution at our local cinema. I stole my sisters JOOP! perfume, and wore every butterfly clip I had ever owned in my hair.
It's worth mentioning at this stage that those well-intendd rag curls had not quite gone to plan. It looked like I had teased my hair to its limits, then placed the butterfly clips on the top like a delicate, ridiculous nest.
We met the boys and my friend and her bf made out whilst this guy Billasaurus Rex and I stood there awkwardly. I stared at my feet whilst I shuffled them.
Finally the awkwardness of conversation had ended and we went into the cinema. I was relieved that I didnt have to chat for a while, and that the awkwardness was over for atleast the duration of the movie.
OH, HOW WRONG I WAS.
During the credits, this Billasaurus chap and I made a little chit-chat. He was funny! He didnt seem that suave for a 17yo...but what did I know? Maybe he was a sex fiend.
He told me that he had left high school and was working full-time. WOW. HE WAS SO SOPHISTICATED. I made a mental note not to tell him about all the unicorn pictures I had drawn. And definitely dont mention you still on occasion play with your Barbies.
The movie started, and was very funny.
There were some mildy cringe-worthy moments, like when our hands touched trying to access the salty gold that is popcorn. I snatched my hand away as soon as his brushed mine, thinking that I was annoying to him when he was trying to get to the popcorn. I thought of my brothers- they REALLY didnt like it if anything got in the way of their food.
AND THEN, IT HAPPENED.
He tapped me on the shoulder. My whole body blushed, and Im sure I was heating up the whole room with my blushing.
He leaned in like he was going to kiss me. KISS ME? I hadnt prepared for this! Holy shit!
He went left- I went to the left too. He went right- I awkwardly did too. For atleast 5 seconds we were bobbing our heads to either side, frantically just wishing for the other one to figure it out so it wasnt so freaking awkward. I would have looked like a deer in the headlights!
Finally, he commits to one side that he will lean in and kiss me on. He comes closer.....
I close my eyes....
HE HEADBUTTED ME IN THE FACE?
I gave him a look of pure confusion, that conveyed all the What-The-Fuckery that was going on in my head.
He couldn't meet my eye, and shrank in his chair.
As soon as the movie was over, we didnt hang about. We both begged our respective friends to leave straight after the credits rolled, and did not say a word to each other after.
And not another word was said between us for another 10 years, when one day at a bar I was approached by a friendly, handsome man who said to me, 'Hey- didn't I headbutt you once?'