The Magical Fruit

Just thought I'd share a picture of my secret spot. On the weekend I like to sneak out and have breakfast all by myself. A bit of quiet time, I can spread out and read the paper and start the weekend off with a little bit of calm. Don't tell Billasaurus, will you? Otherwise he'll want to come- surely I'm allowed one tiny secret? :)

I always sit in the same spot! The courtyard is an oasis in the city with lots of beautiful greenery.

These are my breakfast beans. You know, the magical fruit? The more you eat, the more you... like them?

I always thought I hated baked beans, but turns out I just hate that weird beany goop you get in cans. Not that i'm a snob- this morning I ate 11 pickled onions from the jar for breakfast. Let's be real here.

Beans, green tea, and privacy. What more could I want?

(Truth be told, about halfway through my breakfast I start to wonder what Billasaurus is up to, and wishing I had bought him with me)

:)

Pavlova: Not supposed to taste like sweet, warm egg?

Look at me, posting and shit. (Oh, I swear. Did you forget that? Sorry.)

I was quite the baker over the Christmas period. That sounded like a brag, but I didn't mention what kind of baker I was. 

Insert random photo of BR and I in front of our Christmas tree. That shit's hard to capture in a selfie.

"Behold, my large festive indoor plant!"

It all started when my Mum said 'Can you bring desserts this year, I can't be bothered. And you are the only one who cares about dessert so it's on you.' With that kind of enthusiasm, what could I say. Only dear Mum could get away with that.

Cue a week later, and Bill's Mum calls. 'Could you bring desserts to Christmas lunch? I'm not much into sweet things, and you made that thing last time so well.'

1. I appreciate the flattery, it will get you everywhere
2. 'That thing' I made last time was a flipping Chocolate Ripple Cake. I don't have the heart to tell her how easy it is. It's better that she thinks I'm the amazing dessert wizard.

I'm an eager to please butthole sometimes, and I also overestimate my actual kitchen skills, and lack a healthy respect for what can actually get done in the space of a day. 

Did I just buy one of those pav bases like everyone else? Or did I buy one of those stupid looking egg things, that my Mum always seems to have banging around her cupboard despite never actually making the pav herself? 

NO OF COURSE I DIDN'T.  I decided (and touted to everybody, unwisely) that I could do it all myself, from scratch.

So this is how I ended up taking on the responsibility of baking the following for Christmas day:

1. Large pavlova for my family (to feed 15)
2. Large pavlova for Bill's family (to feed 11)
3. Christmas cookie platter x2
4. Fruit platter x2
5. Alcholic chocolate ripple cake
6. Christmas bark for part of Christmas gift 
7. Butterscotch Pie (also known as the devils pie; finicky, has a million ingredients, and is a much treasured tradition read: don't fuck it up)
8. Non alcoholic kids chocolate ripple cake

Far out, brussel sprout. How do I get myself into this. Also: I began all of this at 9pm Christmas Eve. 

Pav 1 (Test Pav)

Verdict: I pored over the Donna Hay recipe book to meticulously make the first meringue. It ended up with weird sugary bits on the bottom, whatevs. I can hide a multitude of sins with cream. After spending so much time on the meringue, I rested on my laurels and managed to fuck up whipping cream. Seriously?! So I put some raspberries on, to try and distract. No such luck. Cream was clearly separated. Fucking cream, trust it to pull this shit. You had one job cream.

Also, the recipe said to wait until it was cold to taste test. But your rules can't control me Donna Hay! So I taste tested while the pav was warm...and it tasted like wet, sweet, warm egg white omelettes. With strawberries. Makes me gag a little thinking about it. 


Pav 2

Much better. Except the pavlova weeped, and the baking paper is completely stuck to the bottom. So what did I do? Just cut around that shit so no one can see it. Let them deal with it upon eating. By then they've already got it in their bowls and can't put it back! Genius. Then threw a bunch of fruit on to distract from the paper. I learnt that from Constantino. 

I made this cake for morning tea today with my sister in law.

It's a big deal, but I've gone and done it: I'm adding a new rule to feminism.

Of course the old ones still stand; Women should be able to vote, have the right to control their own bodies, shouldn't slut shame other women.....but today, I've added a new one.

Don't ask a woman who has baked for you if said baked goods come from a packet mix. Don't be that woman.

Basically, if I assembled the ingredients and stirred it, I baked it. Lovingly. 

And of course it is from a packet mix you silly bird. But I don't want to tell you that, because once again you should acknowledge that I am the amazing dessert wizard.

I turned my back and this guy had managed to eat the chocolate melts I left on the coffee table.

He only pulls robust shit like that because he knows he is adorable.

So there you have it. Baking fails and successes, and a pug who is currently trying to get pity from me because his belly hurts from eating far too many melts. Trust me, it will only last an hour max. Then he'll go back to trying to eat the chair leg. 

I wish I was joking.

I did not get mauled by a bear in 2013

My last post was in February. FEBRUARY. That's 10 months ago- I can count good. 

A lot could have happened in 10 months. I could have-

• become impregnated and given birth to said spawn
• written a novel
• explored a deserted island and convince villagers to make me their queen
• built my own home
• gone on a round the world trip
• stumbled across a scientific breakthrough

I did none of those things. None. Beginning to reassess what on earth I have been doing with my life- I feel the real missed opportunity here is not becoming a queen on a deserted tropical island. I was practically created for eating peeled grapes and being carried around on a golden throne. The most tragic part is that this fact is not acknowledged by anyone else.

So...what did I get up to in 2013?

• Wilfully ignored this blog
• Got excited everytime I got blog comments, only to log in and realise of course they were all spam
• In related news, atleast now I know how that single mothers secret to a flat belly, and the all natural way to increase my penis size
• Moved out of my ridiculous hobbit hole I called my bedsit, and into Billasaurus's house

• Celebrated my 3 year anniversary with Billasaurus
• Went camping twice (trying to be encouraging on the partners hobbies you see)
• Saw one of my favourite bands, Me First And The Gimme Gimmes live
• Went to Soundwave and saw the old faves Blink 182, The Offspring, Metallica, Linkin Park, Paramore etc
• Managed to settle into domestic life without killing Billasaurus or having myself killed by him
• A new niece was born- little Seville!
• I completed my second year of my Bachelor of Primary Education
• I travelled to Vancouver, Canada to as part of a university program to teach abroad

• I went to Whistler for the day and saw snow for the first time

• I tutored 12 students with learning difficulties each week
• I got a new job, that I will be able to start in early 2014
• Survived the Geelong Earthquake of 2013 (Hint: Billasaurus's farts have moved the earth more)

• I accidentally washed my hair with puppy shampoo due to a mixup in my storage facilities. My coat looked lustrous, though.

Now i'm grasping at straws. Best wishes for everyone for an excellent 2014- I look forward to following all of your blogs!

Don't judge me by my polish.

Just a quickie.

No seriously, I just had one.

I kid, I kid.

I've had BioSculpture nails for about a year and I yoyo from loving them sick, to being very tempted to buy a Luminail/Gellish/Shellac kit and do it myself.

I'm going to Soundwave tomorrow. Being the rockstar I am, I went to the salon (sounds so wanky) with a very clear idea of how I wanted my nails to look like. Which is unusual because I normally stare at the colour wheel for the whole time it takes her to shape my nails, crippled by indecision, before I finally point to a random colour and regret it immediately.

I told the nail lady and she looked at me incredulously and said, 'No. Black is a winter colour. It'll look tacky.'

Bitch please. I don't say anything about your Barbie pink with love heart feature nails mani, so time to get down off your high horse.

Too harsh?

Plus, I don't care if it's not winter yet, i'm lovin' them.

Have you ever gotten 'tude from someone in the beauty industry who you are paying? I'm not saying they should be subserviant and not have opinions, but I think if I want a particular look and want to pay for it, that she should probably just do it.

Opinions/Recollections/Thoughts/Discuss.

Bacon Roses

Belated Valentines Wrap-up post time!

Billasaurus is a manly man who loves his meat. Mind out if the gutter, people.

Ages back on Pinterest (where else?) I saw instructions on how to make a Bacon Bouquet. The instructions were a bit fiddly and required drilling holes in the bottom off a muffin pan, which seemed like a lot of mucking around.

I modified the original recipe as follows-

1. Obtain bacon (I also used prosciutto to give different sized "roses".
2. Roll said bacon
3. Pierce bottom of bacon roll with toothpicks (that have been soaked in water) in a X fashion, keeping bacon secure
4. Pop onto a baking tray and into the oven on a high heat. I didn't fine these but just took then out when they crisped up and my house smelt extra "bacony"

5. Wait until bacon cools. The fat from bacon helps the rose shape seal
6. Take out toothpicks
7. Remove the silk flowers from their stems
8.Place bacon roses into the remaining stub
9. Give to your one and only!


Billasaurus had the most confused look on his face when he saw me from afar, holding flowers out to him. His face turned to delight when he realised though, and was very sweet.

Lucky I had taken flowers beforehand, because he pretty much inhaled them!

Harvest Picnic at Hanging Rock

My long-suffering boyfriend (it feels weird saying boyfriend, like im a 14yo?) Billasaurus is alot of things- hilarious, patient, kind....but one thing he isn't is a planner.

In January on a random trip to the beach, he asked me if I wanted to go away for a long weekend. Quickly my mind raced to Sydney, Brisbane, Perth, or perhaps Cairns....

In only 10 seconds this is where my mind went when he said "weekend away"

Bill's mind was quite set on going to Woodend. What? Where on earth is Woodend?

Turns out, it's only an hour and a half from home and that Bill was dying to see Hanging Rock in the nearby Macedon Ranges, having gone there as a little kid.

So in January, I repeat JANUARY, Bill said he would plan everything.

Fast forward to this Saturday morning and we were all packed and ready to go. For weeks I had been wondering about what kind of amazing events and accommodation he had planned, but didn't dare ask and ruin the suprise.

This might I add was killing me, because I have to know everything. Lol

We arrive in Woodend, pull up at an interesting looking brewery that the sign said also had accommodation, and I thought I had it all figured out.

Until Bill turns to me and says, 'Should I have booked accommodation? It's looking pretty crowded around here.'

LOL.

The following hours consisted of us driving around to all accommodation places in Woodend, and finding out there mere a multitude of weddings on in the area and something called the Harvest Picnic on at the Hanging Rock tomorrow.

We moved on to neighbouring Kyneton, where we finally found a room at a pretty dodgy motel.


It's funny- in a past life that would have really bothered me, but I have learnt when you love someone you can just laugh and even enjoy the adventure of last minute scrambling for a bed.



And so on a beautiful sunny Sunday, we found ourselves at the Hanging Rock.
I have never seen the film, but have read the book (albeit a million years ago).
Over the years I had heard how haunting and that the silence is eerie...well not so much, because the weekend we picked to go it was hosting The Age Harvest Picnic.

Becayse we arrived quite early, (far too early for lunch, anyway) we decided to hit The Rock first.

No, not that Rock

There are a few different walks you can do- one that goes around the base, another shorter scenic walk and of course, The Summit.

It was a very hot day. I'm not going to lie- I was hoping he was going to want to do the base or scenic walk, but of course I know him well enough to know we were always going to be doing The Summit.

The thing is about The Summit walk is that is almost entirely uphill. Funny that.
There were a few moments I cursed my fitness levels, and also my shoe choice. (New Witchery plain ballet flats proved to not have much in the way of grip on the bottom, which ensured some hilarious rock-slipping moments on our descent.)

Entertaining signage did lighten the mood when the ascent was particular sweat-inducing

 

The effort was truly worth it however whe we saw the view from the summit.

 We indeed picked the perfect day- during our climb we could hear the band playing on the ground below, and when we were finished up we perused the gourmet food markets, had some lunch and enjoyed a well-earnt beer.

Have you been to Hanging Rock? We recommend it!

(My muscles are a little bit stiff today, but it was so worth it!)

Happy Love Day!

Today is the day to tell your partner/family/colleagues/postman/friendly neighbourhood hobo how much you love them!

Even if it's just you saying to yourself, 'Hey self, we rock!'

I LOVE Valentines Day.

Fuck the Valentines Day grinches, I say.

Ive organised something a little bit special for Billasaurus this year, which I shall report back to you about once I know how it goes down.

But in the meantime, if you are feeling romantic and are interested in some early 2000's nostalgia, THIS is how Billasaurus and I met.

Hope you all have a fantastic day ♥